It's been a long couple of weeks...I've had alot on my mind, one thing being my job (or lack of one, as the case may be!!). I was sitting here this morning drinking the usual 3 cups of coffee, and realized that this has affected everything in my life these days, my attitude at work, my weight (hello, 10+ pounds!!), and it has affected the MOST important job I have, being a good mom...my patience is at an all time low, my temper has flared (more than once, I might add!!), and I have had a "don't care" attitude...not good!! I realized I need to get myself back on track, starting today...all this to say, I was reading Chicken Soup for the Woman's Soul, and came across one of my favorite stories. I first read it in Reader's Digest, right after Brittany was born (whose 17th birthday is today, which is probably why I have been thinking on this more so today!!), and it really touched my heart. When women are pregnant or thinking about having children, these things don't make sense...then this little person is born, and EVERYTHING changes!! I guess I need to keep that in mind, when life is not going as smoothly, as I like...thought I'd share the story...
"Time is running out for my friend. We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown, and she is being forced to consider the prospect of motherhood. "We're taking a survey," she says, half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..." But that is not what I mean at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable. I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking, "what if that had been my child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle' or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her child is all right.
I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five-year-old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in the restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years-not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son or daughter. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my friend could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it hurts.
My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes, "You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a prayer for her and me and all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this holiest of callings."
No matter what happens in life with my job, my friends, or my personal life, I am a mother first and foremost, and thank God for it!!!
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